A Must-Read for My Hot-Tempered Brothas & Sistas: Refining Your Rage #SharpeningYourBlade #TriggerWarning
Nine times out of ten, I want to fight someone.
Very little do I show when someone actually gets to me. While now seldom, believe it or not, it happen every now and so often. I get HOT. My close friends and sister knows what that means. I literally sear and ooze with frustration. It’s to the point that my eyes will actually tear up. I am known for what they call a “Colombian Curse Out.” That’s when you say exactly what you have to say, unadulterated and explicitly, yet without any curse words. I have a knack of eloquently expressing myself, even in the most heated situations. It takes a while to get me there. I may not have a quick temper, but I have a hot one. Above all, I don’t like liars. I don’t have a tolerance for them, and I simply don’t respect the craft. I say all of this, because I have mastered the art of refining my rage. If you are anything like me (a dangerous mix of Jersey and Nigeria), this is an extremely helpful tool to adopt, and I would implore you to take the following points into consideration and practice.
Small Doses! Talking that shhh!
There are certain behaviors that we allow for so long either because we brush it under the rug, or because we deem it acceptable maybe because we don’t see the immediate and/ or physical ramifications. This is seen often in occurrences throughout our upbringing, within relationships, in situations with an elder we respect, or in occupational and daily activity. There is power in our words, and even more so when we understand how to use them. The concept of refining ones rage rightfully belongs to the great, Amanda Seales. While reading her book in Nigeria (that, again, was so graciously gifted to me by my good sis, Chidinma) the chapter titled, “Side Effects of Staying Woke” stuck with me on a different level. In a bullet point addressing self-care methods in an existence of fighting the good fight (if you’re down, you’re down), she listed refining your rage as the final step.
“REFINING YOUR RAGE: YOU CAN’T BE MAD AT EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME… EVENTUALLY YOU HAVE TO REFINE YOUR RAGE TO PRESERVE YOUR ENERGY, AND AT THE SAME TIME, INTENSIFY YOUR EFFECT.”
I caught that.
When I received that, it echoed to me my belief of the importance of understanding when to pick ones battles. However, I would be remiss if I neglect to emphasize the skill of building a case. MAJOR KEY. Sometimes we can be so ready to respond based on the right now, and we neglect the perspective of what’s to come. Everyone is not going to play a major role in history, and I pray that YOU choose the right side, and participate as an active contributor to what is right. Frequently, there are one-off situations. Maybe someone is having a bad day, or a simple misunderstanding occurred. There are times - and I am often in these situations - where our niceties are mistaken for weakness, we have thought through the probable outcomes, we built our case, we sifted through our mental files, and now it’s time to unleash the kraken.
This is when refining your rage comes into play.
“WHEN YOU SHARPEN YOUR BLADE BY BECOMING CLEAR ON EXACTLY WHAT YOUR BOTTOM LINES ARE, YOU, IN TURN, ARTICULATE YOUR ANGER AND FUEL IT WITH INFORMATION VERSUS JUST EMOTION, WHICH IS MUCH EASIER FOR YOU TO CONTROL AND WIELD AT YOUR DISPOSAL.”
Often, despite the message, people only want to hear us a certain way. This is often a result of “implicit bias”. Our passion can often be mistook for hostility. Identifying the difference, and finding key triggers and vernacular to better deliver, and convey our expression is a game changer. What is the difference between a hostile message and a passionate message? I would best describe the difference as a message based on malice and malignant intent, as opposed to messaging on the basis of fact, action items, proof, and resolution. This is passion that is found within causatious factor that makes us retaliate in ways that we do. I put a great deal of time into identifying why something upsets me, when it does, and/or why a certain word, phrase, or action may have rubbed me the wrong way.
When we identify our triggers, we are more prone to becoming responsive as opposed to reactionary. There is a certain confidence, that I believe, comes with an edification of self. It’s almost as if you are emancipated of the stereotypes, and you have broken free from the bondage of those who tell you who you are, and who you can and can’t be. Do not mistaken, this confidence and articulation comes not from the volume of your voice, rather, the content of your argument. While it may not always be convenient to the receiving party, there are certain [potent] truths that will never be COMFORTABLE to an unwelcoming ear.
“PASSION IS SELF-POWERED. FOR SOMEONE SEEKING TO DIMINISH ANOTHER’S VOICE OR DEVALUE THEIR ARGUMENT, PASSION CAN FEEL THREATENING. IT SHOULDN’T. IT IS PASSION THAT SO MANY ARE LACKING. …PASSION IS THE FLAME WITHIN US THAT CAN ONLY BE LIT BY ONESELF.”
Boy, do I have a lot of it. I am thee reigning fire sign, and the flames won’t let me be complacent. I cannot be anything less. The soapbox I stand on for every cause and human right I support, will be carried to the mountain top, if I have anything to do with it. My willingness to burn for everything I have ever loved makes me feel crazy at times, and at times, I am unknowingly triggered by the result of the mere attempt to belittle my passion as a means of silencing me. I am triggered by the lack of basic respect and human decency. I am triggered by false truths, inconsistencies, excuses, and more, but I became great because that which angers me, is what fuels me. That’s what makes me great.
The power of those, like me, who have a fire within us, is to use our voice as a tool. The ultimate weapon in a knife fight. They didn’t want us to get an education, they didn’t want us to vote, they never wanted us to leave the kitchen, and still, to this day, not everyone sees a place for us, nevertheless our voices. Using the passion with in us and refining that boiling rage, is the most powerful skill any man or woman can have in their back pocket. Whether you’re on the front lines of social activism, like myself, or you’re still trying to gauge your role in this jiggy jungle (Cheetah Girls reference) world, take the time to truly understand yourself. That’s what challenged me, and I hope that this can challenge you. Once I understood myself for myself…
no one could tell me nothing.
*All Eyez on Me reference. lol* I watch a lot of movies.