A Reminder that Self-Doubt Is Natural #OneofthemDays

I’ll start rolling out more photos from Nigeria, don’t worry. Small small.

There are definitely times in our lives when we feel as though we did everything right, and did not get the result we expected: the result we had been preparing for. I am going through that right now. Literally, as we speak (I type). So, bear with me as I work through these emotions. Basically, I am at an emotional crossroad where I am very happy for the person who achieved what I had been yearning for, because it is part of their journey and long term goal, and I had been praying for that goal to begin to make its way to come to pass for them, when prime. In other words: this happening to them was meant to happen, and they are so much greater for it, and I am so proud of them. SO proud. I’m watching their destiny unfold right before my eyes.

On the other hand… this same TIN is sometin that I have been working towards for a longer period of time, and extending myself in different directions a lot more. At least, that’s what I think. A part of me is hurt because of the way I found out, and the other half of me is filled with self-doubt, and questions as to where I went wrong. In my life, I strive to pursue and seek excellence without excuse. What I commit myself to, I aim to do well, exceed expectation, and lead others. This person does the same, with flying colors.

I guess what I am trying to say is: that while I am not an envious person, and my competitive side is showing, I do believe that this person is the right person for the job, and I am blessed that my prayers are being answered, in a certain capacity, despite what I want for myself. I was a little down when I returned home, and I couldn’t quite articulate myself in a way that didn’t sound bratty and didn’t reveal too much, but I also didn’t know who to go to because this feeling is so foreign to me.

A friend of mine called me for separate reasons, and he asked me a question that I don’t get too often: “How are you, Uju?” I was shocked, and I expressed that. I took a deep breath, asked if he really wanted to know, and in similar context explained my feeling in a way that maintained all anonymity. Basically, in complete Igbo accent and jokes, he asked me why I am here pouting and focused on this one position when I am here “planning this and doing this” that when it’s God’s time for me, it will be my time. He continued, saying that he sees my name in lights, and what God has in store for me is working through me. He shushed me and told me to stop comparing myself (even though I explained that I was not!!), and reminded me that my time will come.

Naturally, I explained, my thoughts were conflicted over the feeling of joy for my friend by the questions of where exactly my misstep was… When I laughed, and put everything into perspective, it was easier for me to think clearer.

Who is to say that although it happened for my friend sooner, it will never happen to me? For my friend, I think everything is going according to plan, and falling into place for them. This is exactly what I wanted for them, and I know when/IF it is my time, my time will come.

Amen.